This morning, stores began selling Nintendo’s “New” 3DS XL in North American regions. Sales reports aren’t in yet, but the release falling on Friday the 13th™ has already spooked some early adopters of the hardware.
“I just wanted to play my games,” said 9 year old Timmy Green of North Carolina, through a teary eyed face. “But even though I have the same Nintendo Network ID I wasn’t able to download any of my games. My dad wouldn’t let me try the system transfer because he says it’s voodoo.”
Little Timmy Green wasn’t the only customer shut out in the cold outer darkness of Nintendo’s mysterious design choices. Reports are already coming in that the “New” 3DS XL not only requires a system transfer to play your old games, but that it will also take several hours to do so, ensuring that most people won’t even be able to use their new handheld consoles on release day.
“There’s only one explanation,” said local adventurer Adrien Herald, 35. “Nintendo isn’t stupid. All of these seemingly foolish design decisions must correspond to the Friday the 13th™ release.” He paused briefly for effect and then added, “Nintendo is performing part of a ritual to bring about the end of the world as we know it.”
While this reporter is skeptical about Nintendo’s intentions to end the world (where is the profit?) the numerous mistakes that have accompanied the launch of the “New” 3DS XL are so baffling that some form of dark magic can only be the culprit.
Matters are made worse that this Friday the 13th™ is the day before Valentine’s Day™. Could Nintendo be trying to create a divide between loved ones who are obsessed with trying to figure out their new handheld consoles? I reached out to a Catholic priest for answers.
“It is undeniable that dark forces are at work here,” said Father Sulphate, 72. “In fact, in trying to procure a device for the church’s study I discovered that I kept buying the original 3DS instead. Some larger force here doesn’t want me to study its dark inner workings.”
As of this writing, here are the known issues with the “New” 3DS XL.
- No AC Adapter included.
- Requires manual system transfer from old to new system even though the handheld features the ability to log you in to your Nintendo Network ID and they know all the games you own anyway.
- The system transfer in question can take hours.
- A confusing name.
- The c-stick is just an IBM notebook “nub” and not an actual stick.
- Only one exclusive game announced and it doesn’t release along with the system.
For those of you picking up a “New” 3DS XL today, be forewarned. It may or may not be part of an elaborate world ending voodoo ritual. An anonymous source has also suggested that this system is the work of Satan himself, part of a repercussion for Nintendo selling its soul for the Wii’s tremendous success.
The Nintendo Shamans have been reached for comment, but did not get back to us before publish.