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Jul 8, 2014 0

PLAYING WITH POWER (Nintendo Toy Impressions): Let’s Have a Look at Those Mario Kart 8 Happy Meal Prizes!

Well this doesn’t happen very often so you’d better believe that made it high time to embarrass myself in public by taking a bunch of awkward pictures! There are NINTENDO TOYS in Happy Meals right now. As in THIS VERY MOMENT. Like, you could actually leave your house and go buy them TODAY. This wonderful occurrence equals yours truly waking up long before his comfort hour to snag the complete lot as quickly as possible. The following post is a blow by blow visual re-enactment of said “collecting” and is jam-packed with half assed attempts at jokes courtesy of our very own brand of Nintendork humor.
In other words, it isn’t very funny at all:

Jun 22, 2014 0

Summer Games Done Quick 2014: Real Nerds Finish Fast.

Heads up, cool dudes and dudettes! The annual SGDQ week long, 24 hour a day video game marathon for charity has finally kicked off! These record holders for games spanning just about any system you can think of come together in the sake of charity to do what they do best: Sit around in their own stink for hours staring at a screen. And you should too, because these marathons are fun. At the last one that took place I saw someone beat Super Mario 64 in 20 minutes using only one hand and another dude speed-run through Super Punch-Out!! blindfolded. Needless to say, this kind of thing brings up a lot of heavy commitment issues but it’s so worth it. This season’s beneficiary is something called Doctors Without Borders which is apparently a very good cause. The monetary goal is to hit $450,000 in donations by the end of the week but they actually managed to double that at the last event, breaking a cool million.

Records will be shattered, legends forged, pants shat. It’s all streaming live right now so start watching already by clicking this blue text that you’re currently staring at!

Jun 10, 2014 0

Nintendo E3 Report (7.10.14): Wii U Owners Stunned With the Announcement of New Games!

“Not My Problem.” Says NOA President.

Well, Nintendo’s big E3 presentation came and went this morning and there were plenty of suprises to be had. The most obvious perhaps being that Nintendorks actually has an article about it (heyo)! Many of the details revealed today would be worthy of posts all on their own, but in the interest of laziness and the fact that my computer sounds like a wood chipper, I’ve decided to embrace the list format and focus on the top five bits that gave me the feeling. You know, the dirty one.

Please to enjoy.
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May 8, 2014 0

This Just In: Nintendo Drops Out of the Video Game Scene, Gets Back Into uh…Making Toys.

Well Kinda. Actually No, Not Really at All.

Anyone who’s been in a TRU or Best Buy or whatever sometime within the past year and change has no doubt witnessed some idiot kid smacking a packaged action figure against a television. Y’know, those setups they have that scan different toys and then the character will show up on the screen ready to do God knows what. I have to admit complete ignorance here when it comes to what’s up with this whole Skylanders craze or how it all even really works to begin with (feel free to email me with details at idontreallycare@fakeemailaddress.com). But apparently the phenomenon is pulling in enough bread to make Nintendo hop aboard the fad, hoping it will inject life into their comatose home console market.
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Apr 17, 2014 0

Time to Fish Out Your Parent’s Credit Card, Kids. Super Mario Bros. 3 is Now Available on the Virtual Console! Again!

The final (and arguably greatest) installment of the tubby plumber’s 8-bit adventures is at last up for grabs from both the Wii U and 3DS’ respective eShops. Like, at this very moment. As in right now. #ohmygodwhatareyouwaitingfor, etc. Why have I deemed this news exciting enough to pull my fingers from a self-imposed writing slumber? What can I say, I like seeing Mario plastered across the front page of the site. So what if this NES classic has already been available on the original Wii’s Virtual Console for the better part of the last decade. Let alone to most nerds that still have their old cartridge collecting dust somewhere in the house (guilty). This is a game that is pure platforming perfection and demands to be bought over and over again, especially if you’ve managed to convince yourself that you have a disposable income (double guilty)! Neat new features for these versions of the game include mappable buttons along with the expected off-screen play feature on Wii U, while the 3DS marks the first time SMB3 has graced a Nintendo portable in its (for the most part) original incarnation. At least I think so…something about e-reader cards is tapping at the back of my memory so I’ll have to check in with ANC about that.

You may commence with the bitching about the lack of a unified account system at this time.
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Apr 8, 2014 0

A Slightly Less Than Half Assed Glance at the Nintendo Direct Smash Bros. Presentation (4.8.14)

Plenty of tasty details were revealed today for those of you who can’t wait to play the same game you already own 3 versions of. There’s been nonstop speculation amongst certain nerd circles as to when (if ever) the new Smash Bros. entries would be released and this afternoon, lead director Masahiro Sakurai spilled the wasabi with some concrete-ish info. Apparently the 3DS iteration of Nintendo’s popular fighting franchise will hit the portable during this calendar year’s Summer months while the Wii U version will be pushed back to 2015 sometime this Winter. This is sort of an odd move considering the 3DS is by far the more successful of Nintendo’s current platforms and there’s the potential for fatigue by the time the home console installment rolls in but eh, whatevs. The real news here is that aside from graduating from assist trophy to playable character, Little Mac has an optional skin that replicates his wire-frame look found in the original Punch-Out!! arcade game!!

OH MY GOD.
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Mar 8, 2014 0

Former Criterion Head Honcho Blames Lack of NFS:MW Wii U Success on EA, Nintendo, God, Kittens, etc.

“F*#% EVERYONE.” says Mr. Poopy Pants

AYE, this one hurts. According to the headline I just wrote, somebody’s talkin’ some trash! *Does that neck swerve thing* This time the anger stems from one Alex Ward, who in addition to hopping aboard my shit-list, also co-founded Criterion games (aka the studio that made Burnout 2: Point of Impact for GameCube). Mr. Ward let loose quite a string on something called Twitter yesterday, discussing the course of action for his new software development company. Their plans include the intention to produce content for any hardware that will allow them to self publish. Well, not including Nintendo’s struggling home console of course. Apparently there’s quite a bit of bad blood swimming around in regards to both EA and Nintendo’s lack of marketing assistance for their work on the Need For Speed: Most Wanted port last year. A release that was a massive commercial failure, even for a Wii U game. The following images were captured for this article using the internet:
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Dec 20, 2013 0

Holidorks Musical Advent Calendar 2013: Yep. Here’s Some More Mario Music (Last One, Promise)!

What kind of 2013 musical calendar would fail to include a track from Nintendo’s biggest release of the season? Almost this one! But it recently occurred to me that Super Mario 3D World had yet to be represented and today’s clip remedies that!

Click Here to Open Door #20!