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Oct 18, 2013 0

Urban Champion is back! In POG form!

Or at least in Wii U Virtual Console form. Also some other stuff.

Once upon a time, Nintendo made a fighting game of sorts for the NES. It was called Urban Champion, and it is not compelling. Naturally, as of today it is now available for $4.99 on the Wii U Virtual Console. If you like punching men in the manhole then get it, I guess. However, if you’re gonna blow your wad on fisting action, and own a 3DS, you might as well get the 3D Classics remake version, which does nothing for the gameplay but has fancy 3D effects, for the same price. Or just get Clu Clu Land, another NES game that also came out today and is actually fun.

But wait, there’s more!

Mar 20, 2013 0

And the 30 Cent Hits Continue to Land on Wii U: Here’s Comes Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

There’s a strange and unusual obsession pumping through my brain regarding the Punch-Out!! series despite the fact that I’ve never in my entire life beaten the NES incarnation (Old Man Popinski it seems, will forever have my number). I’m pretty sure this fascination started back when the Chuck E. Cheese pizzeria I used to frequent as a kid taught me my first lesson in how to knock out an ethnic stereotype. Oh, and they also had the original arcade cabinet hanging around back near the skee-ball machines. There was something really special about that wireframed Little Mac you controlled and those larger than life enemy sprites at your fists’ disposal. It made the inevitable home console adaptation a must own which offered the added bonus of including the at the time world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson as the end boss of the entire game. That unfortunately didn’t last of course and after a few years “Iron” Mike was permanently replaced with some generic cracker going by the name of Mr. Dream. Turns out Nintendo decided to not renew the real life champ’s contract because they weren’t 100% cool with all of that wife-beating stuff. I guess that makes sense. Good thing they jumped ship before the public display of cannibalism.
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Nov 18, 2012 9

The Wii U Launched Today and I Somehow Managed to Royally Screw It Up.

I woke up this morning about an hour before my 6:40 am alarm went off. Running on pure adrenaline I showered, burst through my front door like the Kool-Aid man and drove at ludicrous speed past various department stores looking to see if any lines had formed. Nothing. I was a man alone driving in the cold, mist-covered morning with still plenty of time to kill before Target opened at 8. So I swung by McDonald’s, grabbed a couple of sausage McMuffins, a large assed Coke and found my spot on the second level of the parking lot right outside the door closest to the electronics department. The following visual guide of my experience today begins well enough but like many great tales worth telling, ends in tragedy.
Grab a box of tissues before you click here to read more.

Oct 26, 2012 2

Castlevania: The Adventure and NES Ghosts ‘n Goblins Creep Into Nintendo’s eShop!

Why thank you so much Nintendo for giving gamers two Halloween worthy downloads to choose from today! Unfortunately neither of them are very good but hey…we sure appreciate the gesture. First up is Castlevania: The Adventure which was originally released for the Game Boy way back in 1989. Simon Belmont’s Grandaddy Christopher leads the charge in this installment as the series takes its first (of many) dips into portable water. Too bad this one whiffs it pretty hard as the end result is horrifying for all the wrong reasons. Whip it good to read more!

Oct 19, 2012 6

Older Nintendo 3DS games make it to eShop- ride a damn horse anywhere, anytime

The highlight of yesterday’s downloadable offerings on Nintendo’s various online stores is the addition of first-party titles Super Mario 3D Land, Mario Kart 7, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D, and Star Fox 64 3D to the Nintendo eShop. Now people who hate carrying a bunch of cartridges around can spend just shy of 160 American dollars ($39.99 each) for the ability to slap these four games on the SD card in their Nintendo 3DS systems for maximum portability.

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Oct 5, 2012 2

The Long-Lost “Pie Factory” Stage From the Original Donkey Kong is Now Available for the Low, Low Price of Just $29.99!!

“Holy Shi-moly, how can I get in on this sweet deal!?” Well, it’s fairly easy: If you’re a Club Nintendo member, simply pony up the first born male in your bloodline as a ritualistic sacrifice to Beelzebub any time before January 6th and wait, WHOA. Yeah I read that press release all wrong, my mistake.
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Jun 8, 2011 Comments Off on Impressions: Super Mario 3DS and Mario Kart

Impressions: Super Mario 3DS and Mario Kart

All right, complaineteers, the 3DS’s childhood has been a little rough. Like, it’s a little unsettling that people are listing “System Settings” as their favorite thing to do on the new system. Pilotwings Resort was neat, but short. The recent release of the Virtual Console has been a welcome relief for the two weeks between now and when Ocarina of Time 3D comes out, but all in all, it’s like finding a few more drops of water in your canteen when you probably should not have been put in the desert to begin with.

So, Nintendo’s information-dump yesterday about their upcoming first-party 3DS titles is just what I want to hear. We’re getting Star Fox 64 3D in September, followed by Kid Icarus: Uprising, Mario Kart, Super Mario 3DS, and eventually Luigi’s Mansion. Each of these titles was on display outside of the Nokia Center, and I headed towards two of the titles I was most interested in, Super Mario 3DS, and Mario Kart. Each title was featured in a tent, where dudes and ladies attached to 3DSes stood on platforms (that put their crotches uncomfortably close to your face) and allowed play of the new games. People stood in line outside of the tent, but I quickly realized that the only reason they were in line is that people are dumb, so I skipped the line, ran around to the back side of the tent, and got on a 3DS lickety-split. Sorry, suckers!

Hit that jump for some impressions!
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May 17, 2011 Comments Off on Attention Bullies: Dinner is Served

Attention Bullies: Dinner is Served

According to a press release, Nintendo and Best Buy are partnering up to create a one-stop shop for bullies looking to beat the shit out of scrawny Pokémon nerds.
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