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Impressions Reviews

Apr 1, 2011 Comments Off on The Nintendo 3DS: Quit Your Goddamn Complaining

The Nintendo 3DS: Quit Your Goddamn Complaining

I am completely confused about what is going on with the world. I think that the internet’s mere existence has turned me into an old man far quicker than I should have become an old man. I just don’t understand the machinations of the internet snark machine. I can’t comprehend the vicious, constant need for the denizens of this interactive global cesspool for new flesh to devour. I’ve read one million articles about the Nintendo 3DS in the last month, and people seem to hate it. I think they’re maybe missing the point. Maybe it might boil down to the fact that it is easy to hate something, and it is easy to hate something in a funny way, and being funny gets your shit read? I don’t know.

I have had my cosmo black 3DS for a week. I friggin’ love it. YES I am writing for a website called YES, the Nintendo DS is probably my favorite video game console of all time. YES, I kind of like thumbing my nose at what everyone else thinks. But I honestly think that Nintendo has created a really wonderful little device and I am tired of all of the nonsensical articles I’ve read, and bizarre videos I’ve seen complaining about it.
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Mar 27, 2011 Comments Off on The Nintendo 3DS launches…. IN 3D!

The Nintendo 3DS launches…. IN 3D!

Today is a momentous day for Nintendo fans because a new handheld has arrived in North America. That hanhdeld? The Nintendo 3DS. It’s like a DS, but in 3D. So it’s the Nintendo 3 Dual Screen.


This thing costs $250, but it is the bee’s knees. It comes with a charging dock that is a bee’s shoulder, and the AR games are the bee’s heads. You may have heard complaints about the system’s battery life, and though I haven’t run down my system yet I couldn’t argue against the reported 3-5 hour battery life. It’s a weak battery and, being such a weak battery is a huge mistake in the system’s construction. However, the overall package more than makes up for it.

So far I’ve forced a mii to don my face, battled a dragon on my coffee table, crashed an airplane into the side of a mountain (and watched my mii parachute to safety), ridged around a racer (in 3D!), and took 3D pictures of mice at the pet store.

I’ve utilized the single friends list that shows what games your friends are playing and whether or not they’re online. I’ve played games in 2D so people could lean over my shoulder and enjoy the nice screen and sharp colors. I’ve seen the WORLD. Before this I felt like Bilbo; like too little butter scraped over too much bread. But now I see mountains, Gandalf. Mountains!

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Mar 12, 2011 Comments Off on Pokémon Black and White

Pokémon Black and White

Kevin Hainline
Nintendorks Editor

It has been a year since I made my way through Pokémon Heart Gold, a year since I fell prey to the Pokéfever during that long trip through America’s south. I had since forgotten exactly what this type of game could do to me. I think that, before I had played Heart Gold, I had made my mind up entirely about the series. Child’s frivolity, I had thought, while drinking adult beverages on an old-timey river schooner. Not for me. Then, Professor Elm offered me a Totodile and I didn’t goddamn care. I was gone.

So, I bought Pokémon White on the day it came out. I actually pre-ordered it from Gamestop. This is about as stupid of an act as a man can make, let me tell you. My SO, the same one in the aforementioned review, picked up Pokémon Black, and in the last week, all we’ve been doing is just stumbling around trying to complete tasks with a DS in hand. The latest generation of Pokémon game is a bizarre thing, and I have a feeling that anyone familiar with the series is already quite familiar with Nintendo’s strange idea of brand evolution.
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Nov 30, 2010 Comments Off on Donkey Kong Country Returns

Donkey Kong Country Returns

This year has been really strange for me. I am a pretty big nerd, and as such, I like things. That’s the definition of a nerd, to me, by the way. Somebody who just frickin’ likes something, even when other people say: “that is a dumb thing to like.” The thing about liking some things, though, is that you have to understand that you may never get more of that thing. While I wish more things were similar to food, some things aren’t like food: there are no seconds, or thirds, or midnight fifths you eat in the dark while crying.

I really enjoy the film Tron. I won’t qualify this statement with a douchey hipster diatribe, but suffice it to say, this film and I are on great terms. I’ve defended it for years! I thought, “well, that was neat. Disney made a pretty neat-o film, but it was such a failure that I’ll bet they never in a million years consider a sequel.” However, it’s THIS YEAR, and for some reason, Disney is making a sequel and deciding to make it the way I would, with neon, and Jeff Bridges, and Daft Punk. I really liked Sin and Punishment, an N64 game that only came over to America via the virtual console or that weird sketchy foreign video game store down the street. WHAMMO HERE’S A SEQUEL, KEVIN. Mario Galaxy…2! ET CETERA ET CETERA.

I definitely didn’t think we’d get a bona fide 2D Donkey Kong Country game. Definitely.
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Aug 31, 2010 Comments Off on Other M: I went from “ehhh” to “whoa awesome” in 1:57

Other M: I went from “ehhh” to “whoa awesome” in 1:57

I wrote a bunch of crap here about how Other M is going to be talked about for years and that people will write ridiculous essays about it because it’s so different and yet so samey.
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Jun 21, 2010 Comments Off on Wii Party and Mario Sports Mix: A Comparison

Wii Party and Mario Sports Mix: A Comparison

Nintendo’s new Wii party games were not only announced at the same press conference – they were right next to each other on the E3 show floor. On one hand you have “Wii Party,” the Mii-filled heir apparent to the now-dormant “Mario Party franchise. On the other, “Mario Sports Mix,” the Square Enix-developed expansion of their “Mario Hoops” title on the DS, now with volleyball, hockey, and more.
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Jun 20, 2010 Comments Off on E3 Odds & Ends: Some closing thoughts from Garret

E3 Odds & Ends: Some closing thoughts from Garret


3D TVs – Upon meandering into the Sony booth, working my way through myriad screens showing Playstation Movers and shakers, waggling away at casual games with a visual edge, I found a section dedicated to the ever growing and expanding 3D television craze. Sony, being a company that makes all kinds of electronic marvels, of course would be touting their new line of TVs and glasses that support the technology. As you might already know, the Playstation 3 is now able to display 3D games so long as you have all the necessary equipment. So why wouldn’t Sony be showing this all off? There’s games here, guys. Games in THREEE DEEEE!

I waited a moment or two for a strapping young gentlemen to put down the glasses that were tethered to a glowing white table. Once he moved, I pushed my way in and girded myself for the onslaught of this 3D phenomenon. On the screen in front of me was a demo of a racing game that will end up on the PS3 that will also be in 3D. I put on the glasses. Before me the screen went from two fuzzy images to one slightly better, depth filled image.

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Jun 18, 2010 Comments Off on Metroid: That Other Game

Metroid: That Other Game

Garret: As the only one of us who actually had a chance to play Metroid: Other M, I figured I’d write up a little something something about it.

The demo that I played involved some backstory, so just know they didn’t take any of that business out of anything they showed. If you’ve been dreading the day when you actually have to learn something about Samus via something other than context clues or scanning environments, in a couple of months you’ll have to endure a new type of storytelling for a Metroid. Get yourself into the mindset of getting over it. That’s the new direction.

The demo was basically the one you may have read of before, the one they’ve been showing press for the last couple of months. Samus is sent to a scary derelict space station. As she enters, she is shot at by some crazy space marines. As Samus ninja-dodges out of the way, a cutscene enters. You learn a few things via the cutscene that we might not have known before. And how do you know that this information is something you might not know? Well, Samus says, “This is something that you might not know about me…” So there you go.

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